The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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