She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The uberlube is also flammable
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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