hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
