haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
