I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
