The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
we should paint friendship bongs
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