Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
