Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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