Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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