I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
