yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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