Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
