She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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