I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
