so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
