Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
