Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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