this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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