Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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