This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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