if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
