At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
