I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
