Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
