I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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