I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
and you fell through a lawn chair
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
