sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
not ubering you a puppy
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
