He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
