What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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