Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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