Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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