This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
