i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
