my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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