What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
