there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
