I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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