Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
