How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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