Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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