so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
