you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
