Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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