Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
