My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
