This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
