I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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