i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
