I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Randomize
