can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
